It seems like now I tend to hold back, like I am cautious of ana/mia. Their must be a part of me that doesn’t want to lose control.
There was a time in my life where I feel like I sort of recovered and started to understand what I needed to do to stay thin and ultimately happy. I figured out how to do this, I think …even in a healthy way. Then things started to go south again.
And it is weird because there is something that I feel like is not in my control…….like my fatness is got to be cause by something. I don’t know if I just in super fat people denial or what. I’ve been every size and it seems like in every situation. Fat as a kid lost weight through a diet, b/p cycle with mia. Right now just feels different. And I’m scared of that cause I don’t know what to do. Has anyone else ever has this feeling….like ‘I’m fat and/or not losing weight because of something’…like just a feeling that there is something wrong?
The situations right now that I’m having the hardest time with are weekend dinners and drinking with friends and the times when I have to work. I really really enjoy being with friends and just having fun. I have restricted myself so much the last few years from friends and just being social because of my eating disorder. I don’t go out or don’t drink cause the calories …….I haven’t gone out with old friends tried to make new friends cause I’m fat. (it’s always the thinking that when I’m thin enough I will catch up with my friends) so I’ve sat on my fat ass in my house and not done a thing cause I’m so embarrassed of how I look. Lately I’ve been having ‘dinner parties’ or just having a good time with many of my neighbors which is a awesome start… and like I said ‘feels amazing’. I don’t have to look good, I wear my oversized clothes glasses no makeup and I’ve finally let myself have fun. I’m not sure I want to give that part up. It is one of the only things I look forward to.
With my work….its just that I have to eat something…it can be low calorie and healthy but at least 500 calories. My work is landscaping which is super physical. I need to have enough energy and strength to get me through the day.
Here is another good question……why is it that if I fuck up and eat something that I would consider bad for that day that I then have to eat like a billion calories. Why can’t I just think “okay, I fucked up now but lunch and dinner will be fine” right now and really for ever it has always been if I fuck up then I should just go to town cause I already screw up this day. THIS IS REALLY DENSE THINKING. Instead of just being 500 calories more than I want I eat like 2000. this is something I really have to work on( not being all or nothing) and just starting to think a little more intelligently about this.